my grandma (paternal side) passed away,
thou am not close to her.. but still feels sad, she's family after all.
family from mum's side came for the wake.
chatted.

after all these years of being busy with my life,
i missed out too much of the things that are happening to my loved ones.
esp mum and dad...
dad is always finding new medicine on his own,
going to places recommended by others alone to get what he needs..
yet i m always not with him.
his legs are fine nw and he can walk ard on his own,
but i still go all sour when i see him taking buses instead of spending a bit more on cabs.
then i look at the amt i give him monthly... its far too little.
when can i provide for them like the way they had provided for me when i was little?
when can i ever achieve something fast enough so they can enjoy themselves sooner?
how come i can spend 9 bucks on cab in mornings when i slept late and cant wake up on time,
how come i can spend 10 over bucks for a meal,
how come i can spend 20 bucks on ktv,
how come i can spend and spend and spend on retail,
yet i cannot give them just a little more money every month??????

the card which i promised to apply for him months back, is still undone.
yet it could be done in just a few weeks time..

unfilial isnt it? i think i m beyond that alr........

i do care for them.. but havent done enough.
yet i m always worrying about things that are actually aint tt impt after all..

in work, and life we always meet different ppl,
some become friends, good friends, besties, lovers.....
but at the end of the day,
i can never care and love anyone else the way i love and care for my parents.
no one can ever tolerate my bad temper, my lousy character, my laziness, my nonsense, my everything for 20 whole years and never stop loving me, caring for me, thinking of me without me showing my appreciation whenever they do sth nice for me.

it's all about me taking them for granted,
sometimes when i go out early in the morning and comes back late at night, i dont even get to see them for one whole hour.
and when once in a while i see there are yet another few more strands of grey hair on their head due to worrying for me, all i do is hide in a corner and tear..

i hardly tells them where i go to everyday, when will i be home, what i m busy with, who am i with.....
when they ask too much, i say they are nagging.
its time for me to start enjoy their nags alr.

at the end of the day, they are 2 ppl which i can never ever find anywhere again.

coz many ppl doesnt have the same parents i have.
mine parents are different of yours,
and i m all they have,
they are all that i have too.