i hope all reading this had a happy vesak day.

i duno where to start this, but seems today there are lots of things for me to ponder on, to settle for and... watever.
not today actually, but just recently.

some stuffs are to be settled personally. so.. perhaps just one thing ....

not many of those ppl who i classified as my close frens, know of things that are happening in my life. like work, how i spend time, why does it seems that i alr disappeared into the thin air as thou i dont exist at all. maybe the most common excuses i use on you ppl are work, feeling tired and such. maybe i just have poor time mgt. i m sorry. its easy to say i love and care for my loved ones, its easy to say all of you means a lot to me. we are on our 8th year of frenship, you ppl have alr grown into a part of me. i havent been doing my part well, i understand..... i dont deny that the recent changes that came into my life had contributed to the crack, but i must amend that it was me who played the huge part in the prob. in fact not only my friendships are the ones who got affected.


i m sorry that i used the rest of the time for sleep, running errands, rotting and bf. sorry that i appeared so mysterious, there are things which i canot bring myself to just pop out of my mouth without feeling ma lu.

blogs are somewhat a source of how i still feels that you ppl are in me. in case nobody thinks i m reading, i m. whenever i have a chance to be online, i will read the stories you ppl have religiously. i know of how happy are you to be able to listen to your idols new album (the songs are really nice) and how you anticipated it for weeks and months, how your mum finally allow you to go overseas. i know of you changing your plans of gg to SIM to gg accounting sch, i know of you gg overseas next month, i know of you gg to start sch real soon. i know of you having fun at work, hoping to go travel, having fun at work and changing into a self-made blog skin of all your friends which is really beautiful. i know of your new blog skin, your grandma being admitted into hospital, and all the bits and pieces of your life and how you feel.

for the good, i felt happy of all of you. for the bad, i hope everything will be good soon.

i want to be in the category and i want to mend it. and i know its for me and that's why i m typing this entry. i know i m irresponsible at letting the crack between us grows bigger and bigger. i m not upset at how you ppl are feeling against me, cos i know if it's the other way round i would feel like that too.

it all does matters to me. maybe it's another one of those easy-to-say thingys to you.

i hate to sound busy, but schedules are planned ahead, i m in no control to change them. i hope i wun have to push myself so hard, but i need to. i m tired of having to keep doing accounts in my head, which i alr become a pro at. i know some decisions i made for my life would scarifice things and ppl tt are impt to me. not only my 7 plus years of friendship, but also family and my r/s with bf.

i alr choose this path for myself, there's alr no turning back, and i dun wan to turn back. sry i m not referring to us, but the way i plan on building my future. i get lots of comments of being stubborn of why not choosing the easy way out, dont ask me why, coz i duno it myself? coz i know i wun feel good and wun be happy.

i know the above sounds angry and defensive, its really not the tone that it is. so everyting tt had happened to me, i just got angry at my self-centered way of dealing things. i cant understand why i push everything and everyone so hard. maybe i m used to dealing things like that. in the end not only caused misery to myself and to everyone too. whenever i got angry i just burst out, i do and say things at impulse and make a mountain out of a molehill. when i got preoccupied, i ignore all things ard me and basically couldnt care much and turned ultra insensitive to all. all these probs i know and i m fully aware of them. but when things happen, i do it all again. and then i will regret, and tells myself that i m not trying hard enough to change. then i push myself again to change. and so the vicious cycle continues..............

dont get it? fine, sometimes i dun get myself too, so its ok.
i m not angry or disappointed or wanting to give up our friendship, maybe just a lil upset which will disappear in a while.
i still want to keep this friendship i have with you ppl and want v much to remain in the grp.
pls dun get offended or upset if anything upset or offend you ppl.

its not just to you ppl, but to frens who know this blog. as only my closeest frens i had given the @ to.
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yea vesak day, went to settle sth which is troubling me for 2 mths alr. got a bit of solution, i hope it will works. hai, the results of having weird hormones..
2nd yr of not being able to acc parents to temple and 'bath the buddha'. hai.
anyway things happened....

i regret the way of me saying things that carries the wrong meaning. hai. to you i m sorry, things are not like that, i really treasure it all.

pls, i want everything to be well again, with job, with everyone that matters to me. i will work at being a better person, and learn to manage feelings and time. and not to let my self centered way of doing things and thinking carrys myself away. and also, become a more wholesome person, to be able to be more sensitive to feelings, to be able to think in other ppl's shoes, just to change my pushing way.

i will come out of my cave, just needa retreat for a while to sort out everything.
its the start of the long and busy weekend again. take care ppl.